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Oct. 11th, 2011

Still alive. Still working my butt off.

It's been so long since I posted anything. Nice to see people around though.

F My Life

This feels like the worst day of my life, but I know it actually isn't. Since my practicum, I have lost all confidence in my skills and even the knowledge that I acquired. I feel dumb, and it's the most dishearting feeling in the world. I need to sit down and study my life away just to be successful because my marks are going down hill quickly.

I feel like I should just stay in school for another two years because I'm obviously missing quite a bit of knowledge they are trying to teach us. I hate feeling like this, like I'm some kind of unpopular failure at this program.

Even worse is the fact that I know I'm acting way too emotional about the whole thing, and that the feeling will pass. I just wish I was a better person and better at the things that I try at.
My radiology class is going to be the death of me. I thought that I knew the material fairly well, but the marks that I've been getting back are less than satisfactory. I've never struggled in a class for this program more than radiology. It doesn't help that we have the Marking Nazi as our teacher. She's a great teacher and knows her stuff, but she marks like we should all be going to hell and rotting there. She even marks wrong for different ways of explaining things, so wording things in your own way is out.

I have to start getting prepared for my two practicums too. I really don't know how it will go, since we're thrown into the job with the training that we have, and I can't say that I feel ready. Working in a vet clinic is going to be fun, but I worry that I'm going to feel dumb or something. Plus, the one place that I want to go is relatively inaccessible at this time; I don't really want to pay for a hotel for three weeks.

It sucks staying at school for 11-12 hours a day. I don't have a life, and my moods are crap. :/

I don't even have the motivation for role-playing right now. I can't bring myself to hiatus just yet either. There should be more time in the day.


Has anyone had a job where co-workers make you feel stupid? Like, I know I'm a fairly educated person, but there are a lot of times in my summer job where I am made to feel like not knowing something deserves shunning. I think what's worse is that if you attempt to do something anyway (to stumble your way through and teach it to yourself by reading to box instructions), you get people telling you off. Asking doesn't help, since then they actually tell you to read the box instructions anyway.

There's just something about some of my co-workers that just rub me the wrong way. Some have such a nasty double-standard, especially when it comes to work ethic. It's apparently okay for them to stand around shooting the shit, but damn, if you happen to stop to listen to a story someone is telling, you are going to get told off. I don't think I've actually worked in a place like this before.

It doesn't help that I'm quite tired. School was a whirl-wind tour for eight months and now I'm working as hard as I can to make enough money to pay for the next semester of school. Then I get another whirl-wind tour for another ten months until I graduate with my diploma. I just need a holiday, but I suppose that's something to look forward to... you know, once I graduate, find a job, move house, and settle into a new life completely.

Change is scary sometimes. I just try not to think about it much. Getting through the summer and then second year of school is what stresses me most... and the money issue. :/


What is the worlds are we thinking?

OMG! A post! Apparently, they still exist. >.> They just don't happen often anymore.

This is yet another pointless and over-dramatized rant about something that bugs me to the bottom most point of my left ventricle (because it is larger and has more power to pump my disdain). It think that it's bothered me for years, since I first became aware of them years and years ago. I find them pointless, cowardly, and a horrible waste of everyone's precious time. They usually end up becoming vile pits for dislike, over-opinionated riff-raff, blatant pointing of fingers and unfounded accusations.

Yes, I'm talking about you "Anonymous Comms", where everyone in your f-list supports a horrible way to speak out against injustice (or just rant like a banshee about pointless tripe no one cares about but needs to get a dig about anyway). There are several out there to my knowledge, and I hate every single one of them. They are the most degrading and offensive communities that are on Livejournal.

Now, they are infecting the internet with their srs business crap that involves anonymous memes, anonymous critiques, and anonymous food orders (okay, I made one up). I do know that the internet is clearly srs business, but have we really reduced ourselves to needing to hide behind an anonymous sign just to get a real honest-to-god opinion? And the opinions that are generally had are littered with over-dramatization, break down a person's self-esteem, involve wank like crazy, and breed all manner of hate and dislike.

All of them (communities especially) are like pits of hungry sharks and when blood is introduced, they go CRAZY and take huge bites out of anything in their pond. The slander good communities, good people, and good concepts all for the purpose of 'making something better' or 'just cause'. It's a horrible policy to do business. Cowards do anonymous stuff. Get a backbone and show your face and name if you want to have a real opinion heard.

Livejournal banned communities for sexual content and got flamed for it. Livejournal lets blatant harassment go on under their nose because it doesn't fall in their 'harassment' policy so long as names aren't mentioned or other personal information. It's a piss off.

I hope people who go out of their way to run someone or something down in an anonymous community fall on a pointed stick and have it jab into their liver. They deserve it, the asstards.


OMG, where did the month go?

School is trying to eat into my skull and devour my poor brain. I think the most difficult class in substance and class experience is Veterinary Clinical Pathology (study of blood and other lovely bodily fluids). It's like a massive info dump every class, and I end up wandering out with a headache every single time.

We have a few new teachers that are kind of so-so with their teaching, but it is their first time. I know some people are frustrated that we are paying money and not actually getting the full teaching experience, but... that's what a textbook is for.

Fecal Fridays... last class of the day and we get to look under a microscope at poop. It is a smelly, kind of nasty feeling lab... but oh so fun. My only frustration is that I haven't seen any little buggly eggs in any of my samples (which is good for the animal but bad for me). I want my learning experience! Where are the bugglies?! So sad... maybe we can view some tapeworm eggs next week.

Though, next week is going to be a like a kick to the teeth. I have a quiz/test every day of the week, sometimes two on one day. Oh my brain... where will you go while I cram information packages inside of you.

All this school work makes it really difficult to RP. I'm having a lot of trouble keeping up with the two that I'm in right now, and I keep telling myself it will be alright. I am coming to realize that I will probably have to drop one of them, but that decision seems so... final.

At least I get to train my dog patient. That's always fun.


Intro to University

Spending two years away from school hasn't affected me as much as I thought it might have, but it is hard to keep excellent study habits when I'm used to having evenings and weekends as my own time. It was kind of easy in the beginning and the faculty made it seem like we would be eased in and helped along every step.

Day 3 was like getting smashed with the scientific dictionary. It was fast-paced and difficult to keep up with, and the teachers used words without definition that they expected us to know. It was really the first time that I came home after classes and immediately began to study my course notes to pick up on what I missed... and oh boy, it was a lot that I missed. I figure it gets worse from here on in, so I better get used to feeling frazzled and dumb until the terms become more clear.

Of course, the plus side is that the animals coming in came from my old workplace. Two animals I actually worked with, so I was happy to see them. I was paired up with a dog, but that dog has yet to arrive at the facility. I'm hoping taking the brute for a walk will clear my head and keep my on track!

It's actually kind of bad when I am left wondering who of my class will drop first. I'm hoping that everyone keeps going, but it's more material than even I expected (and I have a degree already). I can only imagine what someone from high school would think about course material like this, but you know what, it has been a long time since I was in high school. Times change, so maybe they will know more than I do.

The hardest part is running from the main building over to the science building. We really have to book it to get there in ten minutes and even then... some of us don't yet make it on time. We may not learn anything but mid-semester but damn it, we'll be in good shape! It will get worse with tons of snow too... I hope it's light this year.

I think my internet time is going to be cut into severely too. It kind of makes me nervous since I like the internet like whoa! We'll see in the coming weeks how things turn out, but I'm hoping that I get a better grasp so I can have my time on the 'net still.


This might just be me saying. Have you ever tried to be friends with someone and feel like your efforts are completely wasted? I bet it's just a matter of being 'too sensitive' over the idea. Wasn't it supposed to be 'give a little, get a little'?

On a brighter note, there seems to be a lot to do in the upcoming dayshift for damned. I hope that I can keep up, since this will be rather important meetings for one of my characters. It will hopefully build up some relationships outside of his fandom... well, fighter-types at least. Things had better go well anyway!

Hopefully the post-poned convention will be announced soon. I would be mad if it was called off completely, since it will be my first anime convention. Maybe I jinxed it. XD It sounds fairly positive that something has been worked out, but this waiting game is painful (I also happen to be waiting for my course list from the university, but that is bound to scare my pants off).

PS - Gackt... get out of my fandom.


*sigh* I think I really screwed up in damned. Sometimes I really wonder why the heck I do that? I need to stop assuming things, since this is the second times it's gotten me in trouble. -_-

I feel like a complete loser.


Life in General

It's been a week today since I resigned from my job. It still feels like a vacation, though I admit to already being forgetful when it comes to the days of the week. I have to keep checking my computer calender in order to remember. And thankfully, work hasn't called me to ask questions and the like, though I keep dreaming about work. -_-

It's only a few more days before ozzypoos arrives in Canada to stay with me for the next six months. It feels really weird to think about that, but I think it will be alright as well. I have plenty planned on what we are going to do and see, and I hope she doesn't think trees and mountains are boring or I could be in trouble. XD I'm still laughing about her having to experience a true Canadian winter, though mom says I should take her skiing. That would probably be completely disasterous.

Funny how I am almost finished the next chapter to Killer Instinct, but now that Sephiroth has arrived on the scene with his panties in a bunch I am having writer's block. I really would like to finish the chapter before Ozzy arrives. I figure that punishing Cloud is one thing that I'm really good at, so I'm not sure why my brain is farting over this.

*sigh* I wasted away the entire dinner shift in damned. I almost wish that Cloud was medicated in the morning instead of the evening, since it's so hard to get it done. He's all pissy about getting drugs shoved down his throat. I didn't even do anything with poor Hohenheim for dinner. He's probably too busy writing himself notes to really eat too much.